Click here to anonymously submit a dating question for Sonya’s weekly column.

At the end of the day, it seems, the Never Married No Kids guys roaming around the dating-app wasteland just want what we all want: to be seen, understood and accepted. Perhaps there’s a Never Married No Kids guy in all of us, regardless of our marital status or parenthood. This online dating site is a superior place to find married men for all kinds of dates and chatting. A lot of women are nervous about trying to find married men, worrying that they have to be very discreet. This site allows you to chat with guys in an anonymous way so you can have as much fun as the two of you would like. If you're interested in a discreet app for married dating, this is the one. AdultFriendFinder hands you the reins when it comes to finding matches. Unlike platforms that use an algorithm and limit. If you suspect that the guy you’re dating or talking to online is married, ask him outright. He may deny it (and be married), protest he’s really single (and really be single) or admit it. In any case, you’ll have more clues and fuel for your intuition from his reaction. If he changes the subject and is uncomfortable, you have your answer.

Whenever my female friends reach out to me for guy advice, I often tell them that I’m probably not the person they should be asking. Let me explain: the number one mistake we make when in need of advice (especially about someone of the opposite sex) is asking someone of our same gender (aka our girlfriends). We are going to spend hours trying to dissect the guy’s actions, decipher his text messages and then most likely still get it wrong. I personally like to go straight to my trusted male guy friends/experts. It’s simple— men are the best at telling you what goes on in the brain of another man.

Recently, many of my girlfriends have been debating the topic of “Who should message first on dating apps?”

There are of course those women who would rather be caught dead than send a first message, and then there are those who like to take the relationship reins and determine their own love destiny. This is something I personally struggle with while using dating apps, which is why I decided to go straight to the source and survey over 100 men. The verdict? 99% of men said it is attractive and refreshing to see a confident woman who knows and goes after what she wants. So ladies, it’s okay to message the guy first.

Here are some of the most encouraging opinions I’ve heard:

“Nothing wrong with a girl messaging a guy first. It’s actually desirable honestly. We like a woman who knows what she wants. Of course it’s a two way street, both parties need to put in the work.” - Alex

“No problem with a girl messaging first. Doesn’t make you desperate. Actually it’s a nice change if the woman is forward and more aggressive in approaching a man.” - Michael

“There are no hard and fast rules anymore. If you’re interested in someone, send the message. If he is a good guy, he’ll likely message back. If he doesn’t good riddance.” - Mike

“Actually encouraged. Men like a woman that knows what she wants.” - Timur

“These days girls are more aggressive and sure of their actions. Guys are mostly lazy (they get what they want rather easily).” - Alexander

However, there is of course the psychological debate of men being the hunter who need to chase after us women, their prey. Women are often warned in books like “The Rules” that men will lose interest if something comes too easily, to which my friend Roman replied:

“Not to get into semantics, but reaching out first is not the same as chasing.”

After giving it much thought and digesting all of the male opinions, I have to agree that reaching out is not the same as chasing. You can still act the same way after you’ve gotten the guy’s interest as you normally would if the guy had contacted you first. Don’t be overly aggressive after you’ve made contact. Get his attention and then let him put in the work, which he will if he wants to meet you. Act like a lady. Do not go further than reaching out first. I don’t advise voluntary giving out your number and/or asking guys on a first date. I still believe the man should initiate getting your number and setting up a date in person. Believe me, if the guy is interested he will “chase” and want to get to know you. If not? Next.

To my pleasant surprise, there were also three cases of women who are now actually engaged or married to the men they messaged first.

“I hit up my hubby now first… if I was shy or over thought every move…would have never met my soul mate” - Myra

“I sent the first message on OkCupid and now we’re engaged lol so worked for me.” - Rebecca

“I’m with the woman I hope to spend the rest of my life with. She messaged me first.” - Ari

So ladies, you have my blessing to go after the men you want on dating apps. If he’s not writing to you first then let’s face it, it’s probably because he is overwhelmed with endless matches in his Inbox (same as you). The gift and curse of dating apps is the quantity of potential matches that unfortunately make people seem disposable. The upside of messaging first is your freedom of choice. Instead of sitting back and waiting to get “chosen” you have the power to choose the man who seems most interesting to you. If a guy doesn’t reply, that’s totally okay. He could be busy, seeing other girls, or you’re just not his type and that is normal. Go ahead and do an experiment. I want you to send him a message first! Get his attention, create the connection and then act like you normally would as if a man reached out to you first. Would love to hear your success stories! Feel free to let me know how it goes!

Watch my advice below about messaging men first:

A post shared by Sonya Blade ?? (@sonyab1ade) on

Whether you’re looking for a relationship or even just a hook up, it’s a good policy to stay well away from married guys. They are bad news all round.

If you’re looking for a relationship, chances are sky high he’ll break your heart after stringing you along for years rather than leave his wife.

Married Guys On Dating Apps Without

And if you’re not looking for anything long term, it’s no better, because fun times will be limited. Married guys are not free to do what and go anywhere they please (if they don’t want to get caught). They are never available when you need company for holidays. And it definitely won’t make you feel good about yourself to know that you have a hand in some poor woman being deceived. Imagine if you were in that position.

Just don’t get involved. There are plenty of single fish in the sea.

But how do you tell he’s married, if the douchebag doesn’t come clean?

It’s not easy to tell whether a guy is attached when you’ve only chatted to him on the Internet (and it’s not always easy even after you meet in person) so you have to be on your guard. But here are 21 signs to watch out for when you’re dating online.

Just be aware that one or two signs do not always mean he’s married, especially if there’s a plausible explanation. Look for a combination of signals and trust your intuition, because that is so often right.

He hasn’t posted his picture

He may not want his picture online because he’s shy or not confident about his looks and it may be that he just hasn’t got around to it. But it’s also highly likely that he doesn’t want to be spotted. Ditto if his picture is fuzzy or taken from adistance.

He’s on a free site

Of course not all unpaid subscribers are married, but he may be worried if he pays that his wife will spot the charges on his credit card statement.

His profile says “separated”

Separated may be only in his mind! Many married guys use “separated” as a euphemism for looking for an affair or for using online dating to make a partner jealous or exact revenge. Always ask how separated he is. Are they still living in the same place? When he is getting divorced? If they are still living together and not oficially separated – they are not separated enough for you to date him. Wait until he has at least moved out and started divorce proceedings to consider him single.

His online behavior is suspicious

If he leaves IM sessions abruptly with no real reason or can’t go online outside office hours (potentially because he’s afraid to use his computer at home) then that’s suspicious. A single guy can linger as long as he likes online and can send messages without fear of discovery from anyone.

He refuses to give you his home phone number

There may be any number of reasons for that – he may prefer to use a cellphone until he fully trusts you’re not going to turn into a stalker he can’t shake off – or he may not have a home phone. Many people don’t these days. Still, if he gives you his home number and is OK about you calling at any time (within reason), chances are he’s single.

His calls follow a pattern

Once he starts calling you, you may notice that he only contacts you at certain times of day (when he’s walking the family dog?) and he never answers his phone when you call him. He always rings you back some time later. If he can’t easily phone you on a weekend, in the early evening or in the holidays, chances are he is tied up with a family.

He wants to move fast

If he’s just looking for sex on the side then he’ll not be interested in slowly getting to know you to find out if you’re compatible. He won’t even care that much if you are. He’ll just want to meet and hook up as soon as he can. Who knows, he could be getting great vibes from you and love what you’re telling him online. On the other hand, he may not care about a thing you say and just want to get you into bed.

He always wants to meet out of town

It may just be that he has some great ideas for dates, but if he never wants to meet in his neighborhood that’s a sure sign that he’s trying to hide his dating habits from someone.

He doesn’t look like his profile picture

He didn’t want to be recognized on a dating site and so posted an old or unclear picture or even one he downloaded from Google images. He may just hate how he looks, but, either way, it’s not good news about his honesty and it’s another clue, he’s attached.

Married Guys On Dating Apps

Ring marks

Even if he remembers to remove his wedding ring you might find it on his right hand or evidence of it’s removal by the marks or tan lines on his left hand.

He’s uncomfortable talking about family or past relationships

These things should just come up naturally in the course of conversation, but if he avoids the subject totally, it may be for a good reason – he has something to hide.

He doesn’t disclose personal information

Usually once you’re dating, and have got together a few times, you start being a bit more open about your full name, where you work and live etc If he doesn’t share this information with you after a few dates when you seem to be getting on well, he has something to hide for sure – and chances are it’s a wife at home.

Married Guys On Dating Apps 2020

You find him on Google

If he does share details and you have any suspicions at all, search for his name, phone number etc online and if he’s married, you’ll often find evidence of that served up on a plate.

He looks shifty

If he keeps looking around when you’re out with him (and it’s not early date nerves) then he may be worried that someone will recognize him out with you and he’s frightened of bumping into people who could tell his wife.

He never introduces you to his friends

This may be because his friends all know he’s married and he would feel like the jerk he is, if they knew. If he does introduce you, but it’s always the same couple of guy pals you get to see, then it may be that these friends are in on the secret and are happy to cover for him.

He pays in cash

If he pays for all dates in cash, even quite expensive restaurant bills, chances are he’s married and doesn’t want evidence of dates with you appearing on his credit card bill.

He looks very formal on dates

You may think he likes to make an effort for you when he always wears a suit on evening dates through the week. But wearing business dress may just be because can get away with the lie that he’s just working late at the office

He rarely stays the night

You always go back to your place and never his, but he doesn’t hang around. Guys will usually be happy to stay the night if they are single, as they have no one to go back to. It may just be that he has to be up early for work. Then again, it may be that he can only stay over when she is out of town…

He showers before he leaves

Best Free Dating App

Most guys are not so worried about cleanliness that they need to have a shower before they go home. That is, unless he’s worried that he will still smell of you when he reaches home

He folds up his clothes neatly

Married Guys On Dating Apps Free

Instead of throwing his clothes on the floor with wild abandon, he makes sure that they are neatly placed over a chair. If he’s not generally a neat freak, that’s so they look OK when he puts them back on to go home to his wife. It wouldn’t matter one jot to him, if he was just going home alone.

What To Say To Guys On Dating Apps

He’s wild in bed

It may be he’s experienced, likes a bit of kink and/or thinks he knows what women like. Then again the reason for having an affair may be that he doesn’t get a chance to be wild and kinky at home (or is scared to ask his wife – the stakes are lower with you). Just one more clue to watch out for in combination with other symptoms.

If you suspect that the guy you’re dating or talking to online is married, ask him outright. He may deny it (and be married), protest he’s really single (and really be single) or admit it. In any case, you’ll have more clues and fuel for your intuition from his reaction. If he changes the subject and is uncomfortable, you have your answer. Even if you don’t get the truth, and he’s married, he’ll know you’re onto him and that you’re nobody’s fool. And if he’s single, you can have a good laugh about it, and he can set your mind at rest by explaining a few things that have made you suspicious.

How To Find Husband On Dating Apps

Over to you: Have you ever gone out with a married man you didn’t know was married? How did you find out the truth? Please share in the comments below